Exclusive; Finding the worst avid golfer at TPC Sawgrass
In 1984, while conversing in the grillroom at Winged Foot, a few editors conceptualized the Search for America’s Worst Avid Golfer. At that time, they were discussing how an ordinary golfer would fare playing on West Course as it was set up for that year’s U.S. Open when suddenly after consuming some beer their discussion turned to ponder upon one question which was “What score would be achieved by an extremely awful golfer?”
As we discussed the idea amongst ourselves in the Golf Digest office, it gained momentum. We were not interested in just any golfer; we wanted someone who was genuinely committed to improving their game. Dean Knuth, one of the creators of USGA Slope handicap system, collaborated with us to establish specific requirements: The participant must be physically able-bodied and aged between 25 (to qualify for Mid-Amateur) and 55 (too young for Senior Amateur). They should possess a recorded USGA Handicap rated at or above 36- which was then considered as highest limit achievable by male players -and play over twenty-one rounds annually, equivalent to national average or once every week during season schedule. Additionally they have an unbridled love (‘golf nut’) towards this sport despite inability on performance level but reposed confidence that eventually they will unlock some solution leading them onto successful track..
After placing a small notice in the front of the magazine, we received over 600 nominations from wives, girlfriends, and friends. We then proceeded to conduct fact-checking and narrow down potential candidates based on their handicap requirements and number of rounds played. Phone interviews were conducted with each candidate before identifying the “Dirty Dozen.” Senior Editor Bob Carney flew around the country to meet each finalist personally and test both skill level as well as seriousness about golfing. Finally, four finalists were chosen by our editors – this was pre-Internet days so there was no digital voting involved at all! These top performers were invited for an exclusive competition held at TPC Sawgrass which is also homebase where The Players Championship takes place annually – thanks should go out now towards PGA Tour Commissioner Deane Beman who not only provided access but also officiated over any rules disputes that may have emerged during playtime itself…
The Worst Avid Golfer Championship gained national attention on the scheduled day, one week following the 1985 U.S. Open. Prominent news outlets like Time and Newsweek featured coverage of this event, with results even being included in broadcasts by all three TV networks at that time. Golf Digest assigned their top reporter Peter Andrews to cover every shot during this championship. Apart from his golfing expertise, Andrews was also a contributing editor for American Heritage magazine as well as a book critic for The New York Times while simultaneously reviewing classical music works for Esquire magazine too. Prior to assuming these roles, he had pursued various other career paths such as those of child acting (having presumably appeared in bad Korean War movies), senior editorial positions at Playboy publication and working internationally across continents covering events including wars (’61 Sino-Indian border conflict) where neither side knew what it was doing – an experience which paralleled his latest assignment given its chaotic nature!
Peter’s article was published in the September 1985 edition, and it brought about a lot of positive change. Four previously struggling golfers developed strong bonds with one another, participating in numerous charity events together before taking lessons at Golf Digest School which improved their game slightly; however they still held onto their original titles. There was talk of reviving this extraordinary event for its 10th and 25th anniversaries but ultimately it was decided against as good judgement prevailed – recognizing that such an exceptional experience could never be replicated again.
I’ll rewrite the sentence in modern English: “I sing about the man and his arms, who were compelled by destiny.”
Playing golf all day and returning home late.
The Atlantic shore is sliced and hooked.
He carried out hard tasks both in the trap and on the fields, enduring long hours.
He made a sixty-six to win the greenish coat.
His caddie was extremely frightened on a single hole.
I deeply regret any offense caused to Publius Vergilius Maro, who likely never encountered anything of this kind during his lifetime.
That was quite a dramatic showdown that could be immortalized in epic poetry. If Virgil were still alive, he’d surely have taken note of it; and Harry Vardon’s restless ghost would no doubt feel similarly stirred up at this very moment. After an intense search, Golf Digest finally found America’s Worst Avid Golfer on the perilous Tournament Players Club track in Ponte Vedra Beach – and when all shots had been counted, Angelo Spagnolo emerged as the victor against stiff competition. It was a closely fought match with multiple potential outcomes right until hole 17- but ultimately Angelo held his nerve to win by an impressive margin of 49 strokes, bringing about just the kind of heroic conclusion worthy of spurring sporting legends onward through time.
Angelo’s degree of skill was put to the ultimate test against three formidable competitors, making it a difficult challenge. Amongst 627 potential candidates, Jack Pulford (a Moline-based restaurant owner), Joel Mosser (an Aurora stock broker), Kelly Ireland (a lawyer from Tyler) and Angelo himself; who worked at a grocery store in Fayette City were chosen as finalists for their love of sportsmanship and golf- even if they struggled hitting proper shots. These four individuals managed to create an impressive set of statistics that are predicted to last for ages after keeping account during just one afternoon game on the course together.
Their score in total was 836.
They missed the ball 17 times, had 102 balls sink in the water and received a total of 124 penalty strokes.
They failed to hit any greens in regulation, resulting in no pars. They had one bogey, eight double bogeys and a staggering 63 “others.”
Angelo’s scorecard showed a disappointing 66 on the challenging par-3 17th water hole. Disheartened, he confessed that things didn’t go as planned and struggled to recover as evidenced by his rough performance of taking a whopping 22 shots on the following hole, adding up to an overall total of 257.
Angelo’s ultimate score matched the record-breaking 72-hole score of 257 established by Mike Souchak in the year 1955.
Angelo would have failed to make the second-day cut in that tournament, as early as the 14th hole of the first day. At this point he still had 111 shots left to play.
Overall, the day was quite eventful.
THE PRACTICE ROUND
Six months earlier, their friends and partners had jokingly nominated them as potential Worst Avid Golfers (WAGs). However, things took a serious turn on June 18, 1985. To simulate real tournament conditions, the competitors were scheduled to play a practice round by arrangement of Golf Digest. Following this was the customary pre-tournament press conference where they faced intense questioning.
Joel slumped into a chair and shared, “My day was unbearable. I scored 146 with two Xs and now only have one golf ball left.” The TPC’s level of difficulty also caught Kelly off guard as he expressed, “I’ve never encountered anything so challenging – even on the 11th [529-yard par five], it took me all my clubs to make progress before finally reaching the fairway after hitting twenty-four times.”
Despite their confidence in shooting better, the four individuals all performed worse on the following day. Nevertheless, they remained resolute to attain the lowest score possible. Jack Puliford jokingly remarked that he could easily gain notoriety by infiltrating past White House security but emphasized his goal was to excel as “the best of the worst.” The group concurred that achieving a score around 140 would be sufficient for victory and concluded their meeting.
Later on, I had a conversation with Joel. Despite his quiet demeanor, he shares an ardent passion for golf akin to the love winos have for muscatel. Though aware of its challenges and pitfalls, it doesn’t stop him from indulging in it endlessly. “It’s not always easy playing as poorly as I do,” he told me candidly, “but my buddies are what make every game worth enjoying.” He explained that even during their visit down South they come solely to cheer him on; proving just how close-knit their group is. Their bond has allowed them all to travel together seeking warm winter destinations where they can also play at picturesque courses around town – fulfilling both fun and satisfaction in one package deal! It was clear that this sport held such fond memories which makes sense why Joel loves it so dearly .
While Joel was anxiously waiting for a television interview with a local station in Colorado, one of his usual golf partners sneaked up behind him and pulled down his pants. Meanwhile, the pressure from the tournament continued to mount.
In the evening, our Golf Digest team of instructors attempted to analyze the swing techniques of all contenders.
The term “deliberate” takes on a new meaning when it comes to Angelo. He cautiously assumes his stance, akin to that of a brooding hen awaiting an egg’s arrival. At the last possible moment before impact, he explosively swings at the ball; with rare exceptions, his irons only reach shoulder height while his woods soar high into the sky in graceful arcs. A golf professional once remarked: “His grip is excessively forceful and restrictive — not quite right for him—additionally, he adopts too narrow of a posture and downsides cap obscures much of his vision.”
Kelly is a diminutive individual who wears a cloth cap, bearing an uncanny resemblance to Spanky McFarland from the vintage “Our Gang” comedies. Although he has decent swinging abilities, his eagerness shows as if he was hastily snatching apples from Farmer Brown’s farm and intends to leave undetected before being confronted.
In contrast to others, Joel adopts a leisurely approach. He gazes intently at the ball as though it possesses scarce value and is unwilling to hit it high in fear that doing so may cause both the ball and golf itself to vanish.
Out of the four swings, Jack’s is perhaps the most perplexing. At first glance, it appears flawless – his waggle and practice motions are impeccable. Yet somehow during that critical moment just before impact, a mysterious spasm suddenly kicks in as if an overlooked needle from acupuncture treatment has been carelessly left inside him. As a result, his swing goes awry and sends the ball veering off at an unexpected angle.
If you suspect that any of the players intentionally performed poorly to secure last place, rest assured they did not. The evidence was irrefutable – money. Each participant arrived with a group of supporters and engaged in significant betting on achieving the lowest score possible. Particularly fervent was the rivalry between Colorado and Texas; I knew for certain that at least $2,500 hinged on who would come out on top as worst performer among them all.
It is doubtful that anyone overslept the following day. When the participants gathered for breakfast, silence hung in the air with only noises from maintenance machinery on the greens interrupting it – going back and forth as they mowed.
THE FINAL MATCHThe tournament got under way
Just before noon, the tournament kicked off in front of a sizeable audience that included 14 television crews. Each participant had their own group of supporters – Angelo’s crew donned “Angelo’s Army” tees while Texan Kelly was well-represented by her fan club which has an extensive membership list since almost every Tyler resident is part of it. Joel received backing from his foursome and Jack came accompanied by pals such as his golf pro from Moline, mom and ex-wife Karen who declared with confidence: “I’m here to see Jack embarrass himself, he never disappoints.”
Beman had arranged for the TPC to appear as formidable as possible. The tees were placed at a distance approved by the local alligators who inhabit the course, and difficult Sunday pin placements were selected. Two pairs of players were divided with Joel and Angelo starting off while Kelly and Jack came in last place. Each team was assigned an official scorekeeper along with two PGA Tour representatives responsible for enforcing rules. Beman delivered a eloquent speech before commencing playtime.
Angelo began the arduous day’s work by setting the tone with an impressive shot that landed straight in the water hazard, marking his career high. Unbeknownst to us then, it was the pinnacle of excellence for hole one. On Joel’s turn at bat, his initial tee shot showed promise but lacked distance as he fell victim to sawgrass surrounding the area. After a few tries and slowly making progress through sand traps and lakeside obstacles on this seemingly never-ending golf course; Colorado teammate predicted “Water shot coming up” before Joel hit into lake yet again prompting laughter from Texas patrons who refused their terms after witnessing such blunders first hand!
As Angelo and Joel started to play the first hole, Jack and Kelly took their turns. Unfortunately, Jack’s shot veered off course straight into the woods due to his lack of precision while displaying his infinite variety of shanks. In contrast, Kelly made a careful attempt at hitting the ball but ended up sending it bouncing towards the grass bleachers on the left side of the tee box instead. Despite making an impressive effort initially in aiming for success, things soon went awry for Kelly as he hit one drive right into an area designated as ground-under-repair not once or twice – but thrice! This series of events resulted in him achieving several minor records throughout that day alone before eventually falling just short near some stands and expressing frustration with any Texans present by telling them where they could go.
Throughout the afternoon, the game was filled with numerous twists and turns which set the tone for the rest of the day. Angelo tirelessly searched for water like a skilled dowser while Joel and Kelly scurried in opposite directions, lacing up their boots as they went along. Meanwhile, Jack hurried through dense forested areas with an urgency that suggested he was constantly on a quest to discover a restroom sheltered from sunlight.
Everyone in Jack’s group, except for Karen who appeared to be having a lot of fun, was unhappy. A kind elderly woman with white hair, who happened to be Jack’s mother, quietly cheered him on with concern. “Be cautious Jack,” she murmured anxiously. “Don’t raise your head too high… Oh no! Damn it!”
As we arrived at the turn, two competitions had emerged – a battle for first place and one for last. Joe was in the lead with an impressive score of 75, giving him a comfortable 14-shot advantage over Kelly in second place. Meanwhile, Jack found himself struggling to remain out of last place with his score of 104 but Angelo’s performance suggested that he may soon be overtaken.
e 14-shot lead. Despite the pressure of being in the spotlight, Joel adapted to his celebrity status effortlessly and gamely answered questions from a television crew as he came off the front nine. In response to whether or not his impressive lead would hold up and what strategy he had for the back nine, Joel flashed a humble smile before admitting that luck was on his side thus far but acknowledged Kelly as a formidable opponent who could still make waves if given too much leverage. However, instead of crumbling under this scrutiny, Joel maintained composure throughout signing autographs while staying true to Fuzzy Zoeller’s graceful disposition amidst fame; refusing to concede victory even after reaching hole fifteen by keeping steady with consistent shots ranging between eight through ten points each round.
An advantage of eight shots.
Suddenly, it occurred…
THE TURNING POINTS
The 15th hole is a somewhat lackadaisical, yet challenging par 4 spanning a distance of 426 yards. However, to reach the heavily-guarded fairway on the left-hand side by trees requires an extremely precise shot over hazardous water and sand that extends for about 150 yards. Joel’s first attempt at teeing off resulted in his ball landing in the water not once but twice consecutively, which caused him obvious distress given his initially successful front nine holes as he began losing ground on this back half stretch. As expected in such disheartening scenarios – especially when compounded with increasing pressure during play – nerves were frayed all around. On Joel’s seventh try after multiple mangled hits following taking penalties due to unfavorable breaks having sprung up previously; exhausted frustration set deeply into this par golfer already laying roughly where they started just four tries ago. Scoring so poorly must have led others among their foursome witnessing these struggles murmuring suggestions under their breaths criticizing critically errant choices made or missed opportunities taken earlier throughout gameplay like “you should’ve aimed better,” causing further irritation from within himself before ultimately ending things out finishing something forgotten long ago since beginning golf beginners everywhere know never allowing your mood ruin infrequent games nearing miserable performances still waiting come forth unexpectedly current types aiming higher beyond repeated mishits misconceptions no sense blame shifting even if subpar maintaining perspective amidst losses worse than imagined learning lessons along rounds changes one day make consistent progress heavenly.Alongside snipes came verbose retorts unloading pent-up frustrations reigning inside: “I was trying to hit it there!” Unfortunately followed through scoring only increased exponentially reaching twenty-five strokes finally putting down solid grass patching leaving much-needed moral victory takeaway feelings sophomoric mistakes life-changing refine precision practice makes perfect future lies ahead patiently rehearsing moving forward calmly until optimally refined version oneself confidently perseveres defy expectations eclipsing former selves shine trailblazers sought-after excellence.
The tragic tale of a golfer. All day long, they count on their ability to execute a duck hook shot. And then, at the critical moment when it’s needed most, instead of success there is only frustration – an ongoing struggle with straight shots that seems impossible to overcome. This misfortune could befall anyone who plays the game.
As she walked up behind Joel, Kelly received the same advice to cut through the arboretum. However, Kelly refused to follow in the footsteps of Texans who hid in the woods during San Jacinto battle. He disregarded this suggestion and proceeded forward hitting a peach that missed falling into water by only a small margin. Nevertheless, it was clear that men who won at San Jacinto weren’t foolish either as Kelly obtained a score of 12 after striking into the forest then emerging with his ball once again. This granted him an extraordinary lead following a swing of thirteen strokes! With victory within reach if he could successfully traverse over 132 yards on hole number seventeenth; everything rested on Kelly’s ability to maneuver across seamlessly from thereon out.
Kelly ended up waiting at the 17th tee for nearly an hour due to Angelo’s intense focus on his game. Throughout their time there, they recorded three missed swings and lost a total of 27 balls in the water hazards. Sadly, while Angelo’s proficiency with hip-high wedge shots is excellent for close-range plays, it proved ineffective when attempting to both clear the water and land accurately on a small green surface. Despite hitting seven shots onto the lawn itself, each one ultimately skipped over instead of sticking as hoped.
As humans, we often find solace in hope. However, when even traditional golf balls have been replaced by striped range ones, practicality must override our deepest desires. With a heavy heart, he placed the ball on the cartpath and putted his way across bridges until reaching the green where he had previously missed a crucial putt during an eventful round of 66 strokes. But Angelo Spagnolo’s character shone brightly through this defeat – enduring public ridicule for nearly half an hour without uttering so much as a whisper of protest or foul language suggests that either he possesses saintly qualities or is limited in vocal expression beyond any other golfer to ever play the game.
Commissioner Beman provided some solace for the golfer who scored 63 over par on a single hole by naming TPC’s 17th-hole cartpath Angelo’s Alley.
With a tidy score of 22 on the final hole, Angelo secured his position in last place. Joel managed only a 10 and had no choice but to anxiously wait in the clubhouse, praying that Kelly would not finish the remaining two holes with scores totaling less than 37.
With a brave heart, Kelly prepared himself for the challenge ahead. Despite encountering some setbacks such as seven balls ending up in the water and an missed swing, he still managed to complete it by two-putting his way through 18th hole with an overall score of 18. As he stood at final tee-off position, his strategic mindset kicked into gear: “Avoid any contact with both water and sand.” This wise thinking paid off greatly; out of all four players present on that day only Kelly broke over 100 points during back nine plays. Kelly’s skills continued to shine brightly throughout this game since he made it safely onto the 18th green after just five turns before proceeding onwards towards victory thanks completely due to a glorious putt stretching across twenty-four feet which gave him six more points allowing him clinch top spot as “best loser”.
After the tournament, Angelo couldn’t avoid the mandatory press conference. As America’s Worst Avid Golfer champion, he was questioned about his future plans. He pondered briefly before grinning widely and announcing that he would be taking lessons.
THE EPILOGUE
Hold on, as advertised on television…there’s additional information to share. Following the tournament, Angelo has transformed into a genuine media personality. He has participated in countless interviews and made more frequent appearances on TV than Claus von Bulow. Additionally, he is considering composing a book about golf and has enlisted an attorney to assist him in brokering a potential role for Miller Lite beer commercial where his primary objective would be to enhance Rodney Dangerfield’s appearance while sporting golf attire with extra fabric around the hips. Furthermore, personal appearances are also part of the deal that needs consideration.
Currently, discussions are underway to organize a global tournament that will determine the most inferior golf enthusiast across the globe. It’s anticipated that this competition will be fiercely fought as potential contenders from at least three foreign nations have emerged – Japan boasts highly dedicated members who pay an exorbitant $50,000 membership fee but still wait two years for their first shot on the greens! Meanwhile in Canada, avid players brave icy temperatures above freezing levels just so they can play. Finally, there’s Great Britain where elderly gentlemen choose to enjoy playing even during severe storms when Coast Guards refuse to venture out into such hazardous weather conditions – truly displaying unbeatable perseverance and determination!
Angelo, remain unchanged and do not acquire any teachings. Your nation requires your presence.
